Calmness of mind

c/o Vivi An

A calm spirit is intentional about where it invests its energy, attention, and care. These resources are finite, and over time we learn that not everything deserves equal access to them. I think calmness teaches us to let go with grace, as it reminds us that endings do not diminish our worth, and that rejection is not a measure of our value. Whether someone chooses us or overlooks us does not change who we are.

In fact true self-worth comes from something deeper. It is reflected in our integrity, our character, and the way we treat others when no one is watching. It is found in our ability to rise after disappointment, learn from experience, and continue growing despite setbacks. Life will always bring moments of uncertainty, loss, and change. The challenge is not to avoid them, but to remain grounded through them. When we do, we discover that our value was never dependent on external validation, it was within us all the time.

Influence, not validation

Throughout history, people with status, wealth, and power have made both extraordinary decisions and costly mistakes. We are all human, so having power does not make us immune to bias, emotion, or flawed judgment. This is an important lesson for anyone seeking to influence others. Our purpose is not to prove how intelligent we are or how right we are. Our purpose is to make a positive contribution and create value where we can. When someone else holds the authority to make a decision, our role shifts. Whether we are leaders, consultants, coaches, or change agents, we must focus on influence rather than validation.

In many ways, the dynamic becomes similar to that of a customer and a salesperson. It is not the decision-maker's responsibility to buy into our idea; it is our responsibility to communicate its value in a way that resonates with their priorities and concerns. I think this requires empathy, curiosity, and an understanding of what matters to them, not what matters to us. Present the evidence, explain the benefits and be realistic about the costs and trade-offs. Treat people as capable adults and try to avoid the temptation to demonstrate how much you know or how right you are. Then focus your energy where it can make a difference, change what you can change, and influence what you can influence. It’s important to make peace with what is beyond your control as that is often where effective leadership begins.

Finders keepers

Every team has people capable of thinking at a higher level than their current role demands. The question is whether your leadership style creates the conditions for that thinking to emerge. Ask yourself: are your best thinkers being stretched, or are they being managed? Are they contributing to direction, or just executing it? I think the leaders who unlock potential in others do so not by having all the answers, but by asking better questions and genuinely listening to what comes back. What do you think?

Nobody can be you but you

How would you like people to describe you when you are not in the room?

Many of the most significant decisions that shape your career are made when you are not present. Decisions relating to compensation, promotion opportunities, high-profile assignments, and leadership potential are often discussed and determined in rooms where you do not have a seat at the table. Therefore, I think the question should be: What do people say about you when you are not there to speak for yourself?

Choose three adjectives that you would want others to use when describing you in your absence. Identifying the three qualities you want to be known for helps you build a deliberate professional reputation and ensures your actions consistently reinforce the perception you want others to have of you.

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Scaling up your leadership

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What does leadership actually mean?

Leadership is often reduced to outcomes: profit margins, delivery timelines, market share. And those things matter, but the leaders who consistently hit those targets understand something others miss which is you cannot maximise results without first maximising people.

Real leadership sits at the intersection of both. It's not a choice between profits and people, it's recognising that your people are your strategy.
The best leaders are not always the loudest voices in the room. Often, they are the ones paying closest attention to the voices around them. If you are serious about scaling your leadership, the most powerful place to start isn't a new framework or a restructured organisational chart, it's your people. I think this is because the answers to your biggest strategic questions are frequently already in the room.

Two forms of career currency

In most organisations, career progression is influenced by two forms of currency: performance currency and relationship currency.

Performance currency is what gets you noticed, it is built through results, expertise, execution, and delivering value. Strong performance can lead to recognition, increased responsibility, higher compensation, and promotion opportunities. It may also attract sponsors; people who advocate for you in rooms where you are not present and help create opportunities for your advancement.

Relationship currency is different as it influences how others perceive your readiness for leadership, whether people trust your judgment, whether teams are willing to follow you, and whether stakeholders believe you will succeed in a larger role.

I think that many leadership decisions are made under conditions of uncertainty. When people are assessing potential, not just past performance, relationships often shape those judgments. Trust, credibility, and influence become important factors in the decision-making process. The most successful leaders understand that performance and relationships are not competing priorities. Performance creates credibility, relationships create opportunity and sustainable career growth requires both.

We all use shortcuts

Unconscious bias is grounded in neuroscience as our brains process an enormous amount of information every second, far more than we could consciously handle. To manage this, the brain looks for patterns, filters information, and creates mental shortcuts that help us navigate the world efficiently. Without these shortcuts, everyday tasks would become exhausting. Imagine having to consciously think through every step involved in opening a door, tying your shoelaces, or washing your hands. Much of what we do relies on automatic processes that free up mental capacity for other things.

The challenge is that these shortcuts are built from the cumulative effect of everything we have been exposed to throughout our lives, for example, our upbringing, culture, experiences, education, media, and social environment. I think because these processes operate largely outside our conscious awareness, we often do not realise they are influencing our perceptions, judgments, and decisions. As a result, unconscious bias can sometimes lead us to act in ways that do not align with our values, intentions, or the person we believe ourselves to be. The goal is not to eliminate shortcuts altogether, they are essential to how our brains function, but to become more aware of them and create opportunities to make more conscious choices.

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What are you really selling?

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In my experience, people consistently pay for three things:
1. Solutions
People are willing to invest in solving problems that matter to them. Whether it is reducing stress, overcoming uncertainty, improving performance, managing debt, losing weight, or developing new skills, value is created when a genuine problem is addressed.
2. Convenience
Many successful businesses make life easier, faster, or more efficient. They reduce friction, save time, and simplify complexity. Convenience is often one of the most powerful drivers of customer behaviour.
3. Experiences
People also invest in experiences that create meaning, emotion, and lasting memories. The more distinctive and memorable the experience, the greater the perceived value.

I think the strategic question for any business is simple: Which of these are you providing? Are you solving a problem, creating convenience, delivering a unique experience, or perhaps combining all three? Just as importantly, can you clearly articulate your value in a single sentence? Because if you cannot explain why someone should choose you, there is a good chance your customers cannot explain it either. Clarity creates confidence, confidence creates trust, and trust drives decisions.

It's not my bike

In her book, “The Will to Change,” bell hooks argues that many men are socialised to view love as something that must be earned through performance rather than practised through connection. As she writes, "Males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do." When self-worth becomes closely tied to achievement, status, or provision, relationships can begin to feel transactional. The focus shifts from connection and vulnerability towards performance and validation. Over time, this can limit a person's capacity for intimacy and create emotional distance from both themselves and others.

What I find particularly interesting is that these patterns are not exclusive to men. Many women also learn to tie their worth to performance, achievement, or the expectations of others. The underlying challenge is human rather than gender-specific: when we measure our value primarily by what we do, we can lose sight of who we are. I think healthy relationships, whether personal or professional, are built on mutual respect, trust, and genuine connection. They thrive when people feel valued not only for their contribution, but also for their humanity. Perhaps one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is this: Are we relating to others as people, or are we evaluating them through a lens of utility, performance, and expectation?

A simple framework

Moving the conversation from the features of your offering to the benefits a client will actually experience takes practice, but I think it's worth mastering.

A straightforward way to frame your response:
"As a result of deploying (program/coaching/e-learning), we will (describe the behaviour change or skill being developed), which will impact your business by (shortening the sales cycle; increasing employee engagement; breaking down silos, etc.)"

This is simple, and yet in my experience this format consistently delivers because it answers the right question, whether the client thinks to ask it or not. Interested? Contact me here and book a complimentary 30 minute discovery session.

Exercise: Facts vs. Stories

This simple exercise can help us slow down, challenge assumptions, and respond more thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally.

Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two columns. In the first column, write down the facts. These are the things you know to be objectively true, without interpretation or assumption. In the second column, write down the stories. These are the meanings, assumptions, fears, or conclusions you may be attaching to the facts.

Then ask yourself:
• Do I feel safe?
• Do I feel seen?
• Do I feel heard?

I think clarity emerges when we separate what has actually happened from the story we are telling ourselves about what has happened. Contact me here and book a complimentary 30 minute discovery session.

Contact before contract

Transactional Analysis (TA) is a humanistic psychological framework developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne in the 1960s. It is widely applied across psychology, coaching, counselling, education, and organisational development to help people better understand communication, behaviour, and relationships. In an organisational context, TA provides a practical way of understanding how people interact with one another. One of its strengths is its ability to make complex human dynamics visible and understandable. Effective TA work creates a clear picture of what is happening beneath the surface of conversations, relationships, and team dynamics.

As the saying goes, "A picture is worth a thousand words."
When people can visualise patterns of communication and behaviour, they are often better able to understand themselves and others. I think that there is also a strong connection between Transactional Analysis and Gestalt approaches, both of which place significant importance on human connection and awareness. A principle often used in TA is "contact before contract." In other words, before we focus on goals, outcomes, or tasks, we must first establish genuine human connection. For leaders, coaches, and consultants, this principle is particularly relevant. Sustainable change is rarely achieved through process alone. It begins with trust, rapport, and a meaningful relationship. When people feel seen, heard, and understood, they are far more likely to engage, collaborate, and grow.

Quality over quantity

There is something to be said for people who maintain a small circle of trusted relationships. They understand that quality matters more than quantity and that meaningful connection is worth far more than popularity. Their confidence is not dependent on external validation or the approval of others. It comes from a strong sense of self, built through experience, reflection, and an understanding of their own values.

They are comfortable spending time alone, not because they are isolated, but because they are grounded. They are selective with their time, energy, and attention, recognising that these are finite resources. This is not about exclusion; it is about intentionality. They tend to walk away from unnecessary drama, avoid gossip, and protect the peace they have worked hard to create. They do not feel compelled to chase every opportunity, maintain every connection, or seek approval from every audience.

I think that there is a quiet strength in knowing who you are, what matters to you, and where you choose to invest your energy. When you meet someone with a small circle, do not assume loneliness. Sometimes it reflects self-awareness, discipline, and a deep appreciation for the value of genuine relationships.

The growing importance of CX

As the workforce becomes increasingly global and the demand for specialised skills continues to rise, organisations will need leaders who can do more than manage performance. They will need leaders who can navigate complexity across cultures, perspectives, and ways of working. Technical expertise remains important, but it is no longer sufficient on its own.

I think the leaders who create the greatest impact will be those with high levels of cultural intelligence: the ability to understand different viewpoints, build trust across diverse groups, and communicate effectively in a variety of contexts. These leaders are able to translate between perspectives, frame challenges in ways that resonate with different stakeholders, and create alignment around a shared direction. They recognise that leadership is not simply about having the right answers; it is about helping people work together towards meaningful outcomes. In a global environment, cultural intelligence is no longer a nice-to-have. It is becoming a core leadership capability.

Beyond utility

In many societies, people are often socialised to evaluate relationships through the lens of utility. We learn to ask what value something provides, what opportunities it creates, or what status it confers. While this way of thinking can be useful in certain contexts, it can also shape how we relate to one another. In workplaces, this may show up when mentorship gives way to competition and relationships become primarily transactional. In personal relationships, some men are taught that their value lies in what they can provide rather than who they are. Financial success, status, and achievement can become substitutes for emotional connection, vulnerability, and intimacy.

I think this dynamic can also influence friendships. Many men find it easier to connect through shared activities, work, or practical tasks than through conversations about emotions, struggles, or personal experiences. As a result, meaningful connection is sometimes postponed until there is a specific reason to reach out. The challenge is that human beings need more than utility, we need belonging, trust, and genuine connection. The strongest relationships, whether in leadership, friendship, or partnership, are built not only on what we can do for one another, but on our willingness to be seen, understood, and valued as people.

The cost of always being right

Many men grow up receiving messages that competence, strength, and certainty are essential parts of their identity. The challenge is that when self-worth becomes tied to being right, admitting a mistake can feel like a threat rather than an opportunity to learn. In these moments, protecting the ego can become more important than acknowledging the impact of our actions on others. I think leadership, maturity, and personal growth require a different response, it requires the ability to say, "I was wrong," to learn from mistakes, and to take responsibility for repairing trust when it has been damaged.

I often wonder how much stronger our institutions would be if more people, particularly those in positions of power, felt comfortable admitting mistakes and learning from them. How much more trust would exist? How much better would collaboration become? I also wonder what impact this would have on individual wellbeing. Many people carry the burden of believing they must be perfect, strong, or in control at all times. Yet our worth is not determined by perfection, it’s found in our capacity for growth, connection, and authenticity. I think one of the greatest signs of strength is not being right all the time, but being willing to learn when we are wrong. What do you think?

Inviting people into the conversation

Most of us see ourselves as fair-minded people, and in many cases we are. Yet human beings naturally identify more easily with some people than others. I may feel warmth towards you, for example, while unconsciously questioning your competence or credibility. These subtle biases can influence our decisions even when our intentions are positive. It is also important to recognise that not all biases operate in the same way. Individual prejudice exists, and some biases are reinforced by organisational systems, cultural norms, and historical patterns. The distinction matters because the challenge is often larger than any one individual's beliefs or behaviours.

One of the reasons I think there is so much resistance to diversity and inclusion work is that people often feel they are being told they need to be fixed. Most people do not respond positively to that message. Diversity fatigue can emerge when the conversation is framed around blame, correction, or moral judgment rather than shared benefit and collective progress. Instead, I think we need to invite people into the conversation. We need to engage those in majority or dominant groups as active participants rather than positioning them as part of the problem. The evidence is compelling: diverse teams tend to produce stronger innovation, better problem-solving, and more robust decision-making. These outcomes benefit everyone, not just specific groups.

When I encounter resistance, I try to approach it with curiosity. I ask myself: What could I do differently to invite this person into the conversation? And more importantly, what might I be doing that is contributing to their resistance? As the goal is not to win an argument, the goal is to create an environment where more people want to participate, contribute, and be part of the solution. That is how meaningful and sustainable change happens.

It affects us all

Do you place a higher value on familiarity than experience when assessing someone's potential for success?

Human beings naturally gravitate towards people who think, communicate, and behave in ways that feel familiar. That sense of comfort can create an unconscious preference for those who are most like us. What is interesting is how often we rationalise these preferences. We tell ourselves that someone is a "better fit," that they are easier to work with, or that they align more closely with the culture. These explanations may sound logical, but they can sometimes mask an underlying bias towards familiarity.

This has important implications for equality and inclusion because affinity bias is not limited to any one group. Men and women alike can be drawn towards people who feel familiar and can unintentionally overlook talent, potential, and capability in those who are different from themselves. I think the challenge for leaders is to distinguish between what feels comfortable and what creates value as the two are not always the same. Diverse teams often outperform homogeneous ones precisely because they bring different experiences, perspectives, and ways of thinking to the table. The question is not who you naturally click with, the real question is whether you are making decisions based on familiarity or on capability.

Ask for help

I think one of the most effective ways to ask for support is surprisingly simple. Rather than making a demand, ask an open question that allows the other person to choose how they respond. A phrase such as, "I wonder if you can help me?" is often far more powerful than many alternatives. It is respectful, non-threatening, and leaves the other person with the freedom to say yes or no. What makes this approach effective is that it appeals to a person's sense of agency and competence. Most people like to be helpful, and when they are given the opportunity to contribute voluntarily, they are often more willing to engage.

We rarely think about the emotional impact of the language we use. Small changes in phrasing can create very different reactions. A request that feels collaborative and respectful is often received far more positively than one that feels directive or assumes compliance. As leaders, coaches, and professionals, understanding these subtle dynamics can significantly improve how we build relationships, gain support, and influence others.

Refining the structure

One of the things that fascinates me most is cognitive bias and how it shapes the way we solve problems. Human beings are rarely as rational as we like to believe, and we often show strong preferences towards certain types of solutions while overlooking others. Modern societies, for example, tend to favour tangible and visible interventions, for example,  engineering, technology, systems, regulation, and legislation. We are often more comfortable solving problems with “things” because they appear concrete, measurable, and immediate.

What is interesting is how slowly we sometimes turn towards psychological and behavioural solutions, despite the fact that many of our challenges are rooted in human behaviour, perception, motivation, and wellbeing. Questions around happiness, meaning, trust, and human connection are frequently treated as secondary, even though they influence how people live, work, and perform. I also think there is a broader tendency within institutions to rely more heavily on control, regulation, and compulsion than on understanding behaviour and influencing people through trust, persuasion, and culture. For leaders, this matters because sustainable change rarely comes from systems alone. It comes from understanding people.