In her book, “The Will to Change,” bell hooks argues that many men are socialised to view love as something that must be earned through performance rather than practised through connection. As she writes, "Males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do." When self-worth becomes closely tied to achievement, status, or provision, relationships can begin to feel transactional. The focus shifts from connection and vulnerability towards performance and validation. Over time, this can limit a person's capacity for intimacy and create emotional distance from both themselves and others.
What I find particularly interesting is that these patterns are not exclusive to men. Many women also learn to tie their worth to performance, achievement, or the expectations of others. The underlying challenge is human rather than gender-specific: when we measure our value primarily by what we do, we can lose sight of who we are. I think healthy relationships, whether personal or professional, are built on mutual respect, trust, and genuine connection. They thrive when people feel valued not only for their contribution, but also for their humanity. Perhaps one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is this: Are we relating to others as people, or are we evaluating them through a lens of utility, performance, and expectation?
