social connection

The friendship recession

One of the most concerning social trends of recent decades is what researchers have called the "friendship recession." In the United States, the percentage of men reporting that they have no close friends increased from approximately 3% in 1990 to 15% in 2021, a fivefold increase. At the same time, the number of men reporting large friendship circles has declined significantly. I find myself wondering what the numbers look like in Denmark, the UK, and other countries. If you are familiar with the research where you live, I would be interested to hear your perspective.

What makes this trend particularly important is that men remain less likely to seek professional support when they are struggling. Strong social connections are not simply a nice-to-have; they are closely linked to wellbeing, resilience, and mental health. I also think this has implications for relationships. In many heterosexual partnerships, women often carry a disproportionate share of the emotional labour, whether that involves initiating difficult conversations, managing conflict, maintaining family relationships, or encouraging partners to seek support when needed.

The question is not whether men are capable of emotional intelligence as we clearly are. The question is whether many of us have been socialised to develop and express it. As author and educator Levi Murray has observed, "Patriarchy is working against men's full human development." For me, this is a conversation about connection and not about blame. How do we create a culture where men feel able to build deeper friendships, ask for support, and engage more openly with their own emotional lives? Send me an email with your thoughts.

Mental toughness

When we tie our identity to external achievements, we actually become more fragile, not stronger. The brain interprets failure as a threat, for example, if I don’t reach this goal, I’m not good enough, and this triggers a stress response.

True resilience comes from knowing you are secure in who you are, regardless of whether you win or lose. It still hurts when things don’t go your way and that’s human. I think that instead of getting stuck in “protect mode,” try shifting your mind into “learning and growth mode.” One simple and powerful way to do that? Spend time with people who lift you up. Social connection releases oxytocin, which calms the brain and helps you recover faster from setbacks.

The desire to belong

The desire to belong and the significance of social connection are deeply rooted in human psychology, reflecting our evolutionary history and the importance of group cooperation for survival. Research using brain scans has revealed that social rejection can trigger brain activity similar to physical assault, particularly in regions associated with processing physical pain. This overlap in neural response underscores the emotional impact of social exclusion, evoking feelings of loneliness, sadness, and, in severe cases, depression. I think the human brain's strong response to the threat of rejection is linked to our primal fears of isolation and exclusion.

 

On the positive side, social connection and a sense of belonging are known to have a beneficial impact on well-being, providing emotional support, a sense of purpose, and even improving physical health. The individual and cultural variations in the strength of this need to belong and the resilience to social rejection underscore the complex nature of human social psychology. Recognising these findings has societal implications, emphasising the importance of creating inclusive communities, fostering social support networks, and addressing social isolation to promote overall well-being and societal cohesion. Are you feeling alone? Contact me via e-mail for discreet 1:1 meetings.